My daughter is five. She's enthusiastic, intelligent, funny, and weird, which is really just a lot of adjectives to say she's a lot like a cool five-year-old. Recently, she asked if she could go back to dance class*, and she has been attending for the last month or so. At yesterday's dance class, her teacher allowed parents to sit-in, and I noticed something inspiring.
The kids in this class age from three to five (I think). And while watching them stretch and dance, I saw it. Each kid watched themselves in the mirror--intently. To the point that some of the time, they would leave their spot to get closer to the mirror to see how they looked. And this is the incredible thing to me: their bodies' abilities were amazing these kids. They weren't looking in the mirror self-consciously, they were looking in the mirror reveling in the beauty, strength, and sometimes absurd things their bodies could do. They watched their teacher also. Copied her, laughed when they failed to do so, and beamed when they got it right.
My kid struggled with the forward rolls. She didn't tuck her head all the way, and her teacher had to remind and help her. Afterward, she sat on the mat and watched the other kids roll. She didn't look upset; she looked determined. Later when it was time for the flamingo hops--jumps while bringing one foot to your knee--she looked delighted. She told her teacher, "This is my favorite! I'm good at this one." And here's the thing: she is really good at that one. She loves it. She does it all the time. She is tall for her age, and she is strong. Some of the more graceful, elegant poses are hard for her, but the jumps they practice in class? Those she rocks. It was the same for the other kids. Some of the time they struggled. Some of the time they rocked it. And they knew the difference. They knew when they were doing well and when they were struggling. Asking for help didn't embarrass them, and maybe more importantly, neither did asking for recognition when they succeeded.
These kids impress me because I struggle with confidence. I apologize when I'm not at fault. I downplay my accomplishments and sometimes exaggerate my failures. I don't want anyone to perceive me as arrogant or boastful, and this has led me to a place that I don't particularly like. I'm good at many things, but it's hard for me to admit that. I know a great many things, but I apologize when sharing my expertise. I want to be more like the kids at dance class: confident enough to know when I need help and when I don't. Confident enough to say, "I can do that," without feeling the need to self-deprecate. I want to take an example from these children, so that I can be an example for these children because this kind of confidence is hard to hold on to, especially for girls. And we need this kind of confidence in the world. Confidence that sees strengths and allows for weaknesses. Confidence that makes us want to teach and be taught. Confidence that leads to exuberance. The confidence of five.
*If you are in the Orlando area and dance interests you, check out The Center for Contemporary Dance at thecenterfordance.org. It is an amazing place. They have classes for kids and adults. I can't say enough about the beautiful community they have built around dance.
Friday, June 28, 2013
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
Anniversary
A few weeks ago was my and my husband's 6th anniversary. We had a great day. We went to Blue Springs and Gemini Springs, had a great lunch, and then went to dinner. My friend watched the kid for us during dinner. I love my family and friends.
My anniversary always makes me think about marriage equality. I love my partner. He is the best. And when I talk about our relationship, everyone acknowledges it. There are no caveats. My relationship, if questioned, is questioned for its merits--never its appearance. We need to work harder for this. We need to demand equal rights for all. The Supreme Court's decision tomorrow matters. And I really hope they make the right decision.
Monday, June 3, 2013
Exercising....Cause Running Is Hard
My running posts have disappeared, and there is a reason for it. Okay, there are a couple of reasons for it, and none of them are particularly good, but here they are:
1) As a family, we have been really busy. My partner has been out of town a lot, which means I haven't had a lot of time to go out by myself.
2) I hit a wall. Learning to run a mile has taken more time than I, or the internet, thought it should. Turns out, I run a lot faster than most people, and this has led to my speed increasing in short spurts, but not my endurance or distance.
3) My shoes hurt my feet.
For the last two weeks, we have been taking family walks instead. So far this has developed into a great routine. My daughter reminds Ryan and me if we slack off. She has ridden her bike all on her own for about a hundred yards. The dog acts happier and more relaxed. And I am actually running farther than ever. Running with a kid on a scooter forces me to slow down, but it also forces me to go farther because the kid isn't ready to stop after a quarter mile (my limit for running on my own). The kid wants to keep going and going and going and going. It even seems to have helped Ryan who is wanting to lengthen his own runs, but becomes bored after a 5k or so. Ryan runs on his own and joins us on our slower walk/runs. Also, my frugality has run headlong into Ryan's rationality; it doesn't matter if my shoes are worn out yet or not, I can't wear shoes that hurt my feet. It's counter-productive. So I have new shoes.
1) As a family, we have been really busy. My partner has been out of town a lot, which means I haven't had a lot of time to go out by myself.
2) I hit a wall. Learning to run a mile has taken more time than I, or the internet, thought it should. Turns out, I run a lot faster than most people, and this has led to my speed increasing in short spurts, but not my endurance or distance.
3) My shoes hurt my feet.
For the last two weeks, we have been taking family walks instead. So far this has developed into a great routine. My daughter reminds Ryan and me if we slack off. She has ridden her bike all on her own for about a hundred yards. The dog acts happier and more relaxed. And I am actually running farther than ever. Running with a kid on a scooter forces me to slow down, but it also forces me to go farther because the kid isn't ready to stop after a quarter mile (my limit for running on my own). The kid wants to keep going and going and going and going. It even seems to have helped Ryan who is wanting to lengthen his own runs, but becomes bored after a 5k or so. Ryan runs on his own and joins us on our slower walk/runs. Also, my frugality has run headlong into Ryan's rationality; it doesn't matter if my shoes are worn out yet or not, I can't wear shoes that hurt my feet. It's counter-productive. So I have new shoes.
Friday, May 24, 2013
Endings
Today was my last day teaching. To be fair, I didn't do much teaching today. I played poker, sang, and had discussions with my students. So I guess, technically, yesterday was my last day of teaching. Two years ago, I graduated with my B.A. in English and a minor in Creative Writing. I lined up a teaching job one day before the school year started.
I've wanted to teach since I was a kid. My best friend's mom is an art teacher at our local community college. I used to joke that I wanted her life when I grew up. I found a job at a private school where I would be teaching 7-12 grade English. I thought this would be a good way to get experience in teaching while I figured out what I wanted to get my graduate degree in. Once I had a graduate degree, I could teach at the college level. I had a plan.
Turns out my plan was a great one, but not for me. To teach is to perform. You constantly have to be on. And your job is never done. Once you are finished in the classroom, you have planning, contacting parents, grading, and more planning. I also realized how much it sucks sharing something you love and find important with others when they don't care. It's exhausting. Teachers are incredible, and I'm not...at least not in a teacherly way.
All that being said, it was hard to say goodbye today. I've met some amazing kids--not many, but a few. These kids are smart and passionate. They are kind and funny. And I'm glad they were a part of my life. If there could be a guarantee that I would have at least one kid like this in every class, I would consider remaining a teacher. I'd probably decide against it, but it would make me re-consider at least for a little while.
Life is funny. I'm glad I'm finished teaching, but I will miss my kids. I'm excited for summer break, but I'm worried about the fact that I'm now unemployed. I know I don't want to teach, but I don't have any ideas for what I do want to do. I'm happy, but I'm a little melancholy. As one of my favorite students would say, "I've got all kinds of feels."
I've wanted to teach since I was a kid. My best friend's mom is an art teacher at our local community college. I used to joke that I wanted her life when I grew up. I found a job at a private school where I would be teaching 7-12 grade English. I thought this would be a good way to get experience in teaching while I figured out what I wanted to get my graduate degree in. Once I had a graduate degree, I could teach at the college level. I had a plan.
Turns out my plan was a great one, but not for me. To teach is to perform. You constantly have to be on. And your job is never done. Once you are finished in the classroom, you have planning, contacting parents, grading, and more planning. I also realized how much it sucks sharing something you love and find important with others when they don't care. It's exhausting. Teachers are incredible, and I'm not...at least not in a teacherly way.
All that being said, it was hard to say goodbye today. I've met some amazing kids--not many, but a few. These kids are smart and passionate. They are kind and funny. And I'm glad they were a part of my life. If there could be a guarantee that I would have at least one kid like this in every class, I would consider remaining a teacher. I'd probably decide against it, but it would make me re-consider at least for a little while.
Life is funny. I'm glad I'm finished teaching, but I will miss my kids. I'm excited for summer break, but I'm worried about the fact that I'm now unemployed. I know I don't want to teach, but I don't have any ideas for what I do want to do. I'm happy, but I'm a little melancholy. As one of my favorite students would say, "I've got all kinds of feels."
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
On Receiving a Free Book in the Mail
I think I might have mentioned this a time or twenty, but I love books. I love them! Even books I don't love, I wouldn't want to see destroyed. There is power in story-telling. There is power in the written word. This is one of the tenets of my beliefs: Language matters.
After going to lunch with my family a few days ago, I arrived home to a familiar sight--a yellow shipping envelope with Amazon's recognizable typeset on it. I had a book. Like I said, this is a familiar sight. I order a lot of books through Amazon. Hell, I order a lot of books period, but I couldn't think of any that I had order recently. My last few purchases have been for my e-reader. I ripped open the package and found The Irresistible Revolution: living as an ordinary radical. I'm used to receiving books that are new to me, but I had never seen or heard of this book or its author--Shane Claiborne. I looked for a shipping receipt, but couldn't find one. On Amazon, for the three people in the world who don't know, you can leave a note and send a gift receipt with anything you are gifting, so this surprised me. It means I don't know who sent me this present.
Putting that aside for the moment, I flipped the book over and read the description where I learned that "Claiborne stirs up questions about the church and the world, challenging you to live out an authentic Christian faith." Here's the rub: I'm not interested in living as an "authentic Christian" because I'm not a Christian. I try hard to live and let live, but I'm an atheist and a humanist. Neither of which I hide. Whoever sent this book to me is connected to me--he/she has my home address--and either he sent this to me because he doesn't know anything about me or because she knows things about me and wants to tell me I'm wrong.
I don't mind having a discussion about religion or politics or any topic. One of my closest family members, D, and I have discussions about faith and religion and our worldviews regularly. And our worldviews are not the same. If she sent me a book about Christianity, fiscal conservatism, or anything else, I would read it because she respects and values my opinion, and I feel the same about her. But, and this is a big but, she would tell me she was sending it. She would ask before she sent it. She would follow up with questions on what I would recommend she read, so that our discussion can be a real discussion.
As it turned out, a different cousin sent it to me. He and I haven't spoken in a long time. Somewhere along the lines of three or four years. We, on occasion, comment on the same Facebook statuses, but we don't have that much to do with one another. We live states a part and always have, plus he's a few years older than me. A few months ago, he asked me for my address, and now I have received this book. I sent my cousin an email expressing my unease and unhappiness with this "gift." It came out of the blue, with no note, no explanation. It is a book that has nothing to do with the way I have chosen to live my life. Apparently, my cousin's feelings were hurt by my email stating these things. He thinks I overreacted and misconstrued his intentions. He said he sent the book because he thought I would enjoy the message and because he knows how much I like to read. He asked if I would recommend a book on secular humanism, and he would read it.
We have exchanged a few emails now about this, and I hope we are on a better footing, but it has made me aware of a few things: 1) I don't like being given unsolicited religious books. 2) I don't really like the proselytizing or teaching aspect of explaining my beliefs to someone that I'm pretty sure won't like them and only view them as a reason for further witnessing to me. 3) I will read anything if someone asks me to. 4) I really should get over that. 5) I hate confrontation, even if it is amiable. 6) I love keeping in contact with my family, but if the only reason you want to talk to me is to discuss religious beliefs and points of view, I'm not sure this counts as keeping in touch. 7) How do you tell someone you have no problem becoming re-acquainted, but the current conversation isn't how you want to accomplish this feat?
After emailing back and forth more, I don't think my cousin was trying to hurt my feelings or be disrespectful. However, I don't think his motivation was as "pure" as he thinks it was. I'm curious about the motivation to witness, and I'm curious as to why I'm the object of this witnessing. The only thing I can think of is that I'm the youngest of the cousins. Most of our family likes to read, but I'm the only one to receive this book. Why? Why not send it to my cousin D? She is a Christian and very interested in discussing different aspects and manifestations of Christianity. Why not send it to my sister or D's sister? They are both avid readers; they are also humanists, liberal, and share many of my beliefs. The biggest thing I have learned about myself in this exchange is that these issues fascinate me, but I don't really enjoy the process of discussion and confrontation.
After going to lunch with my family a few days ago, I arrived home to a familiar sight--a yellow shipping envelope with Amazon's recognizable typeset on it. I had a book. Like I said, this is a familiar sight. I order a lot of books through Amazon. Hell, I order a lot of books period, but I couldn't think of any that I had order recently. My last few purchases have been for my e-reader. I ripped open the package and found The Irresistible Revolution: living as an ordinary radical. I'm used to receiving books that are new to me, but I had never seen or heard of this book or its author--Shane Claiborne. I looked for a shipping receipt, but couldn't find one. On Amazon, for the three people in the world who don't know, you can leave a note and send a gift receipt with anything you are gifting, so this surprised me. It means I don't know who sent me this present.
Putting that aside for the moment, I flipped the book over and read the description where I learned that "Claiborne stirs up questions about the church and the world, challenging you to live out an authentic Christian faith." Here's the rub: I'm not interested in living as an "authentic Christian" because I'm not a Christian. I try hard to live and let live, but I'm an atheist and a humanist. Neither of which I hide. Whoever sent this book to me is connected to me--he/she has my home address--and either he sent this to me because he doesn't know anything about me or because she knows things about me and wants to tell me I'm wrong.
I don't mind having a discussion about religion or politics or any topic. One of my closest family members, D, and I have discussions about faith and religion and our worldviews regularly. And our worldviews are not the same. If she sent me a book about Christianity, fiscal conservatism, or anything else, I would read it because she respects and values my opinion, and I feel the same about her. But, and this is a big but, she would tell me she was sending it. She would ask before she sent it. She would follow up with questions on what I would recommend she read, so that our discussion can be a real discussion.
As it turned out, a different cousin sent it to me. He and I haven't spoken in a long time. Somewhere along the lines of three or four years. We, on occasion, comment on the same Facebook statuses, but we don't have that much to do with one another. We live states a part and always have, plus he's a few years older than me. A few months ago, he asked me for my address, and now I have received this book. I sent my cousin an email expressing my unease and unhappiness with this "gift." It came out of the blue, with no note, no explanation. It is a book that has nothing to do with the way I have chosen to live my life. Apparently, my cousin's feelings were hurt by my email stating these things. He thinks I overreacted and misconstrued his intentions. He said he sent the book because he thought I would enjoy the message and because he knows how much I like to read. He asked if I would recommend a book on secular humanism, and he would read it.
We have exchanged a few emails now about this, and I hope we are on a better footing, but it has made me aware of a few things: 1) I don't like being given unsolicited religious books. 2) I don't really like the proselytizing or teaching aspect of explaining my beliefs to someone that I'm pretty sure won't like them and only view them as a reason for further witnessing to me. 3) I will read anything if someone asks me to. 4) I really should get over that. 5) I hate confrontation, even if it is amiable. 6) I love keeping in contact with my family, but if the only reason you want to talk to me is to discuss religious beliefs and points of view, I'm not sure this counts as keeping in touch. 7) How do you tell someone you have no problem becoming re-acquainted, but the current conversation isn't how you want to accomplish this feat?
After emailing back and forth more, I don't think my cousin was trying to hurt my feelings or be disrespectful. However, I don't think his motivation was as "pure" as he thinks it was. I'm curious about the motivation to witness, and I'm curious as to why I'm the object of this witnessing. The only thing I can think of is that I'm the youngest of the cousins. Most of our family likes to read, but I'm the only one to receive this book. Why? Why not send it to my cousin D? She is a Christian and very interested in discussing different aspects and manifestations of Christianity. Why not send it to my sister or D's sister? They are both avid readers; they are also humanists, liberal, and share many of my beliefs. The biggest thing I have learned about myself in this exchange is that these issues fascinate me, but I don't really enjoy the process of discussion and confrontation.
Thursday, May 16, 2013
I Suck at Picking Doctors
I had to call and pay a doctor's bill today. I had waited a while because I was/am really irritated. See, I get these headaches. I've gotten them for a while. Sometimes they are low-level aches, and sometimes they turn into full blown migraines. Before I had my daughter, I was on migraine medication, but it made me feel awful, so when I had to quit taking it during pregnancy, I never started back up.
Also, the doctor who prescribed it was kind of a quack. So I found a new doctor. I did research. I looked at reviews. I went to a new patient appointment. And new doctor seemed pretty cool. He took my headaches seriously. He ordered cat scans, put me on new medicine, had my heart checked out when the new medicine fucked with my blood pressure and heart rate. After a year of this, I'm still getting headaches. They aren't as frequent, but we're still talking two or three a week, and I'm still getting dizzy from the medication. This doesn't seem like a perfect solution. What happened next made me realize, I'm not good at choosing a physician. In fact, I'm terrible at it.
In January, I had a check-up. I waited for an hour and a half after my appointment time to see the doctor. He came in the room at 2:30. I told him I wasn't happy with the headache/medication situation. He told me this was the best we could hope for--based on what I don't know. By 2:35, I was in my car. In five minutes I saw the doctor and paid my co-pay. Since January I've been debating finding a new doctor. My headaches are getting worse again even on the medication, and the doctor's disregard for my concerns really bothered me.
To make matters worse, a month ago I received another bill. Apparently my insurance hadn't covered all of the visit. The notice from the office told me I had 30 days to pay or I would no longer be a patient. For a less-than-five-minute visit, I was charged $70.39, and that number doesn't include what my insurance paid. I'm lucky enough that I can afford this, but it's bullshit that I have to "afford" it. For telling me basically, "I don't care that in a year you haven't adjusted to this medication, this is how I am treating the problem," the doctor charged me $100. The system is broken.
Oh, and does anyone know a good doctor in the Orlando area?
Also, the doctor who prescribed it was kind of a quack. So I found a new doctor. I did research. I looked at reviews. I went to a new patient appointment. And new doctor seemed pretty cool. He took my headaches seriously. He ordered cat scans, put me on new medicine, had my heart checked out when the new medicine fucked with my blood pressure and heart rate. After a year of this, I'm still getting headaches. They aren't as frequent, but we're still talking two or three a week, and I'm still getting dizzy from the medication. This doesn't seem like a perfect solution. What happened next made me realize, I'm not good at choosing a physician. In fact, I'm terrible at it.
In January, I had a check-up. I waited for an hour and a half after my appointment time to see the doctor. He came in the room at 2:30. I told him I wasn't happy with the headache/medication situation. He told me this was the best we could hope for--based on what I don't know. By 2:35, I was in my car. In five minutes I saw the doctor and paid my co-pay. Since January I've been debating finding a new doctor. My headaches are getting worse again even on the medication, and the doctor's disregard for my concerns really bothered me.
To make matters worse, a month ago I received another bill. Apparently my insurance hadn't covered all of the visit. The notice from the office told me I had 30 days to pay or I would no longer be a patient. For a less-than-five-minute visit, I was charged $70.39, and that number doesn't include what my insurance paid. I'm lucky enough that I can afford this, but it's bullshit that I have to "afford" it. For telling me basically, "I don't care that in a year you haven't adjusted to this medication, this is how I am treating the problem," the doctor charged me $100. The system is broken.
Oh, and does anyone know a good doctor in the Orlando area?
Thursday, May 9, 2013
Scrub Jay Habitat
Eastern scrub jays are these really cool birds that live in Central Florida. They are beautiful--seriously, they have the most amazing colors. They are really smart and inquisitive. And they live in my home.
We went to an area in Deltona where they scrub jays live on a piece of scrub land by the library. Many people want to develop this land, but as of right now, it's a habitat, and it's magical. My kid, of course, went to the habitat dressed in a fancy dress because that's what you hike in. She wanted to be fancy for the birds. This trip was exciting because the birds were building nests, which I had never seen before. The kid thought it was pretty awesome that they build their own houses.
The scrub is where I came from. It's my home. I love sharing it with my daughter. Plus, the weather was gorgeous. And there were these lizards. Lizards are cool.
I love Florida, and the only thing better than exploring it alone is exploring it with my family.
We went to an area in Deltona where they scrub jays live on a piece of scrub land by the library. Many people want to develop this land, but as of right now, it's a habitat, and it's magical. My kid, of course, went to the habitat dressed in a fancy dress because that's what you hike in. She wanted to be fancy for the birds. This trip was exciting because the birds were building nests, which I had never seen before. The kid thought it was pretty awesome that they build their own houses.
The scrub is where I came from. It's my home. I love sharing it with my daughter. Plus, the weather was gorgeous. And there were these lizards. Lizards are cool.
I love Florida, and the only thing better than exploring it alone is exploring it with my family.
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